I woke up at 5:30 this morning and never went back to sleep. Instead, I just lied there. I noticed that Jay wasn’t in bed and looked to my left, where I saw the reflected dim glow of the laptop hitting the bedroom door, meaning Jay was in the living room and not asleep either. This isn’t unusual; he spends a lot of time online in the middle of the night.
I started stewing. What are we going to do if our house sells before one of us has a job in Chicago? Where are we going to live, in the meantime? I’m too old to move to a new city without a job; that’s something you do in your 20s. But do we put our stuff in storage and beg for mercy and spare bedrooms here among our friends, or rent a cheap apartment month-to-month? Or just tempt fate and go for it? When we get to Chicago, what about our cars? Sell both? Keep one? Who’s going to give Lucy her fluid treatments? My current vet’s going above and beyond the call of duty by not charging me to administer those. I suppose, if I had to, I could learn how to do it. But I’m not at all keen on sticking needles in my dog.
What if I get this gallery show in New York — I haven’t told you about this before, but there’s a growing chance that a gallery in SoHo wants my work in May or June. I think it’s a done deal, the gallery directors are just trying to decide if I get a solo show or join a group show. Don’t get my wrong, this would be the apex of my photography career, but it’s still causing angst. (How many photographs would they want? How much is it going to cost me to print/frame/ship them to New York? Two thousand? Three thousand? More? I’m already in more debt than I’ve ever been in my life.)
I know, these are minor things. They are nothing more than a few minor obstacles, of which there’s always a few to overcome before achieving a major goal. And I’m probably suffering from a slight disbelief, still (or fear of success?). After to many years of feeling “stuck,” I had convinced myself that I was going to die in Indiana, and a year ago the prospect of having a gallery show in New York was nothing but a pipe dream.
These are good things, even if they come with a lot of what-ifs and how-tos to work through. But it’s still going to wake me up at night.